Friday, November 07, 2008 Y 11:53 PM
♫ Breaking free ♫
Why can't they just try to see that I am trying to break free?
Why did I even try to voice out my complains?
My brain must have processed way slower than my mouth. Damn.
I hate it how things always happen just when I am being appreciative, thankful and happy.
Then, suddenly all my beliefs go hay-wire again.
It feels like there is a devil always watching my every mood and send me crashing down whenever I am right on top of the world.
All it takes is just one thing that matters, and my world can go upside down.
And it will takes me days, or even weeks to build up my beliefs.
Just when I am positive & confident again, something else has to happen.
(It must be the works of the devil aggain.)
Somehow, the cycle never seems to end.
And my internal battle goes on forever.
Sometimes, it feels so much easier to just surrender to the dark side when the wings of the angel can no longer carry the ever increasing weight.
Prior to this post, there is supposed to be an uplifting & positive outlook on life which suddenly dawn to me early this afternoon. The thoughts had so much energy that I was surprise at how I managed to pull myself out of emo state, just like that. Happy and gay was I, for the rest of the day.. until just..
and then I will see my good ol' friend again - my mask.
the one and only mask I put on almost every now and then. people seldom like to see emo beings around. they feel uncomfortable around them, not sure what they should do, and probably end up being emo-er than the emos. friends who are reading this right now, i'm sorry to be letting you read this. you probably wanna hit me but this is how i am brought up with and this is usually how things work. a one way emotion in my family and the emotions of the others are rendered, non-existent. happiness is a luxury. sadness is a secret. frustrations are to be hidden, unless i feel like starting a world war, yet again.
and tears... sadly, are meant for myself, and myself only.
i finally figure out that i am a strong person, strong girl especially. deep down inside, i no longer doubt myself as a positive being. after all, what doesn't kills you only makes you stronger. you can only become stronger when you go through the real shit in life. considering the shit i have been getting since young and yet i am still here nonsensically writing away, it can only mean that i am getting stronger with each insane life experience.
i am only an actress partly because society requires me to. or rather, requires all of us to. emo beings are less approachable and usually uncalled for. how many of us would actually stop and help when we see someone crying on the streets?
why do i even bother to try so hard and make myself miserable? why not just give up, the devil would say. then the angel will shine upon the devil and question, why give up when you don't even know the outcome? there is never 100% guarantee for anything anyways.
i seriously have no clue where this post is leading to cause i'm just letting my thoughts run free as i distract myself with random thoughts and pet society in facebook. this post comprises of lots of stuff.
it has been 2 very long and tiring weeks. emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. (yea, it is in that order)
hah.
sucks.
time to watch that battle again.
i hate mood swings. like friggin real big swings.
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